That’s right, I’m using its full, Klaus Teuber-given name, ‘The Settlers of Catan‘. Not this hip and trendy shortened name that everyone was using already. I’m just holding out for people to just start calling it C, as if it’s the only game that ever existed.

I find it hard to imagine anyone finding their way to a hobby board game review website without already having a fully formed opinion on Catan, so, this post isn’t going to be serious. This is an exercise in stress relief. Speaking personally, I think Catan is a just fine game. But hey, we’re both here, let’s have some fun.

Image Credit: Chris Miller @Millercv via BGG

Alright, so when you start playing a game of The Settlers of Catan, you’ll be all hopeful, imagining yourself as some master settler, forging roads and building settlements like you’re a grand architect. But guess what? The game’s like, “Oh, you want wood? Well, too bad, you’re getting sheep.” Seriously, it’s like the game goes out of its way to make you suffer. “You want some bricks? Nope, here’s more sheep! Good luck building a city out of that, genius”.

Now, let’s talk about trading. At its best, trading in Catan is like trying to barter with your buddies in real life, but with more yelling and frustrations. It’s like, “Hey, I’ll give you two sheep for that wheat,” and they’re all like, “Only if you throw in a brick, buddy.” “But I’m fresh out of brick” “Too bad, no brick, no trade” “Brick hasn’t been rolled in 6 rounds!” It’s like that American Chopper meme of red-faced men shouting and pointing fingers and flipping tables. At it’s worst, you’re negotiating with a brick wall. You offer the world and they give you nothing. They want for nothing, and nothing you can do will change their cross-armed stance.

And then there’s the dice, doling out resources like a cruel god. The most common number in the game is a 7, which summons that thieving robber, who snatches your hard-earned resources. What’s worse is when you have finally amassed resources, that bastard shows up and cuts your hand in half. I’m so glad that I spent turn after turn getting resources, only to have the robber show up and invalidate my last 30 minutes of game play.

Image Credit: Chris Norwood @kilroy_locke via BGG

And don’t even get me started on the victory points. You need ten of those bastards to win, and it’s a race against time and your friends’ schemes. You’re wheeling, and dealing, and shouting, scraping resources from the land to build roads and settlements, then suddenly, your friend is all like, “Oh, I won. Oops.” And you’re just sitting there, staring at your meagre three points, wondering what you did wrong in your past life to deserve this punishment.

The Settlers of Catan is an emotional roller coaster that starts with false hope and ends with shattered dreams. You’ll pine for sheep all night, but because no one ever rolled an 8, a sheep famine sweeps across your nation. It’s the battered box that sits in the back of my closet for a reason. When I get invited to a Settlers of Catan game night, I find better friends.